Beautiful people don't just happen

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.  These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern.  Beautiful people do not just happen.” – Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

No matter who we are and who we know, we are all going through both struggles and opportunities.  That's just life.  Elisabeth's quote above is a great way to look at life's journey.  Becoming a beautiful person is a journey.  I'd like to think that someday I'll be there too.  I know many people who are there.  Younger than me, older than me, and the same age as me.  When you know others who are going through a struggle or a future loss of someone, you can be one of those beautiful people who helps them through the loss.  Many were there for me when I went through loss.  Through loss...yes, looking at it now, it is the part that I have to remember, "through it."  You do get through loss.  Loss doesn't mean you forget, it just adds another layer to your beauty.

It's been almost 5 months since I had the opportunity to be there with my mom as she took her last breath.  I wouldn't trade that moment for anything.  It was a beautiful moment.  To see her finally free from the suffering she had endured with her dementia was a relief.  Dementia is a very long goodbye for the person with dementia as well as the families that go through it.  Watching a loved one slowly leave the life they had, gradually becoming less and less independent and more dependent upon others isn't easy.  I'm sure it must be like that with cancer too.  The loss of independence and losing life as you want it to be is hard.  I think that was the hardest part for my mom.  She was a very independent person and when she was lucid enough to recognize that she had lost so much, she struggled the most.  There were other times during the journey that she simply lived  in the moment and we were able to share just mom and daughter time.  Those are the moments I miss the most.  She never lost the ability to just sit and listen to what I was going through and always told me that she loved me and that it would be okay.  As she took her last breaths, she opened her eyes and looked at me with such peace and comfort.  The moment I had been praying for, for her to be free,  finally arrived.  After almost 5 years of knowing someday I would say goodbye, but couldn't because I was the one who had to be her voice in finances and care and to keep her out of the depths of anger at her losses.   It just never seemed like the right time to say goodbye.  That day, holding her hand, I knew I had to finally say those real words up until that point I hadn't said.  I looked at her peaceful eyes, and said, "I love you mom, thank you for being my mom.  It's okay to go now, we'll all be okay, I love you...goodbye."  She hung on a little longer to let her best friend hold her hand too.  A time for her to say goodbye.  She couldn't say the words back to us, but her eyes did.  I'm thankful she had said goodbye about a week before that.  I knew it was getting close to her end.  So remembering our favorite way to get close to the real goodbye was to say to each other, "See you later alligator, after awhile crocodile."  That day, I added, "I love you mom."  She said in her weakest voice ever.  "I love you too dear."

I guess what I learned in the journey is that it is important to take the moments you have while someone is still living.  It is okay to say goodbye and thank them.  They deserve it and so do you.  I wish I had taken more opportunities to do so, but can't take it back now.  I am forever grateful I did have that last opportunity.  I'm thankful too for all the beautiful people in my life.

Cynthia (my mom's best friend) and my mom
10 days before we said goodbye

Her hand I held.  A fuzzy picture, a fuzzy moment in time.

The last picture I have of us together,
She's a beautiful person who
didn't just happen - she made
it through the journey.